Missing you so bad my eyeballs hurt, the sister you left behind.

I miss you. More than I often know what to do with. 

Happy Birthday baby brother. Today you'd be celebrating 25. Sounds sort of old, doesn't it? I always remember you saying you never wanted to grow old, how "the good ones die young". And well, I guess you weren't wrong little man. But sometimes I can't help wishing that you were.

So many times today I found myself wishing we were all at mom and dads house, eating tuna noodle casserole and pumpkin pie with birthday candles. I wish you were opening presents and telling us all about your day and about how excited you were for the holidays. Your birthday always felt like the start of the season. But without you, it's really not at all the same. 

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Today I was thinking about being 25, and all the things I wish you would have had the chance to do and see. And so, because you're not here to blow out your candles, I decided that I can throw a few wishes up for you. 

I wish for peace. I hope you found it. I pray you finally see what I always saw in you. Uncensored joy, unending compassion and a soul with wisdom beyond it's years. 

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I wish for freedom. Freedom from shame and doubt. I hope those chains have fallen free and that you're able to bask in the beauty that is unconditional love and acceptance. Because I never felt anything less for you. 

I wish for happiness. It's been really hard to come by since you've been gone, so I can only hope that means you've stolen it all (because, that's what little brothers do). I hope you're happy with who you are, the man you were and the memories you left behind. I pull from them often. 

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And finally, I wish for understanding. This one's for me, not for you. That some day I might understand why God decided you only needed 23 years to do what it will take me a lifetime to. That hardly seems fair.

You were one of a kind Kev, and I hope the piece of you I carry around with me in my heart shines as brightly as you did.

Missing you so bad my eyeballs hurt, 

The sister you left behind.